Welcome, and please come in and sit down. I’m sure you recognize the rest of us. Some of us are old friends, and some of us are new. But we’ve all come together, much like you came together at the start. But this is an intervention, and it’s needed. I’m sure the diplomats and therapists would rather we put this delicately, but you’ve always been about being upfront, so I’m just going to put it out there:

America, you have a cock problem.

Not like in those blue pill ads. You’ve proven you’re very capable in the fucking department. Just ask those Kurds and kids in cages.  No, this has been an ongoing problem, and we’re here to discuss it. Now, have a seat, and we’ll explain.

When you truly burst on the world stage, we didn’t mind you wagging your bits about. I mean you smacked Hitler nicely in the face, and polite company means we can’t even discuss what you did to poor Japan.  Thanks for that, by the way. The rest of us were having some problems in that department at the time.

Hell, we didn’t even care when you and USSR got into a protracted sword fight as it were. We did object to you bringing in other folks to measure and take pictures, but once old Boris surrendered, we figured you’d settle down and put it back in your pants.

But you didn’t, did you. You just dressed it up in church clothes and put on a show. You waved it around the world, expecting us to applaud. And when people didn’t you hit them about the head with it. You sold it like a cheap trollop, two shows a day, and three on Sunday.

It was the church clothes we found annoying. Have any of your leaders ever read the Bible? Did they miss the part about Matthew 6:7? You took Jesus and hollowed him out, so he could be run by America’s real god: money.

With the turning of the century, we hoped you’d show some decorum. I mean, you even busted that one leader for too much weenie wagging. It looked like you were beginning to grow up, that some maturity was going to come into the American pecker show.

Then 9/11 happened.

We get it. We’ve all been there, a time or two. Someone knocked you down, embarrassed you, pretty much pointed and laughed. And we were all trying to be supportive, to help you carry on, to help Stella get her groove back.

But your response was so ridiculous, so stupid, it took even Italy by surprise. And they wrote the book on stupidity on the world stage, centuries before you lads showed up. At first it seemed normal. They slapped you in the face with their dick, you were going to slap back.

Imagine everyone’s surprise when you turned over to another country and not only slapped them in the face with it, you kicked them in the head with your balls and pissed all over their backs. And worst of all, you were proud of it.

That’s when we became worried. Most of us, when we’ve shown our bits, have only done so when the occasion calls for it, or when we’ve had too much to drink. But you lot lost your minds. You were so hell bent on whipping it out, you didn’t even care why. You were hurt, and drunk with power. So, we all sat back and waited for you to sober up.

Then you didn’t. You kept going. And after eight years, you had a leader finally, who appeared ready to zip up, clean up the mess, and talk like adults. Problem was that half of you didn’t like that idea.

Half of you wanted to keep going, you liked being proud and loud. You liked being cock of the walk. Some of you are so proud, you plaster your body, your home and your vehicle with metaphorical cocks. It’s funny for a minute, then it becomes embarrassing.

America is now like that old guy at the club. You think you’re hot shit, and you keep waving it about, but the rest of us have seen the lights come up, and it’s not a pretty picture.

The worst part of this is how blind you’ve been to some of the other cocks out there. The USSR is sneaking in your backdoor, and trust us, they won’t use lube. Just ask Chechnya.  China’s is like a dragon, slithering around you when you least expect it.

The last straw was you putting a literal cock in charge. He’s out of control, easily hurt, brightly colored, and has no emotion other than the urge to fuck someone up and embarrassment. Sounds like a cock to me.

We’re begging you, USA, put it away. Get a new leader, one who isn’t a walking pecker. Quit turning yours into a cross and waving it out and about for too long. I mean, we think the Scots do it too long for Xmas, and you’re running yours into nearly a quarter of the year.

And once you zip up, you might see things a little clearer. Turn off the anger porn at Fox and talk to each other, and then to the rest of the world. Time is up, and the world needs grownup who can think rationally, and look beyond the next news/election/ratings cycle. Once you’re talking, then you get into real relationships, and it’s so much better than those cheap affairs you’ve been having.

If you decide not to go along with this, we have no choice but to shun you. Cut you off, as it were. Treat you like the asshole you’re being. You might be prepared for a fight, but we won’t fight you. We’ll just ignore you until you go away.

That would be a shame, because America has always prided itself on its openness, until lately. Half your language is from other languages. So is most of your food, for that matter.

The choice is yours, America. Keep showing us your dick, and we’ll turn away. We won’t buy your goods, or your culture. And then where will you be?

One last thing before we go. Knock it off with the big metal cock replacements. Nobody’s impressed, and you’re killing your own way too much with them. Good night.