I turned fifty on July 16th of this year. I spent it in a beach house on the Outer Banks. (Thanks again, Rob and Jess!) I did not awaken that morning with some ancient knowledge suddenly revealed unto me. The Gnomes of Zurich did not bestow upon me great wealth. I was honestly confused, as I am every big birthday. Why me? Why am I still here, when so many others didn’t make it this far? I didn’t expect to live this long, or be anywhere near as blessed as I am. I have an amazing wife, four amazing daughters, and a roof over my head. I honestly didn’t expect to be here. I expected to be either dead or in a mental hospital. Out of the four of us on the block I grew up on, two of us have felony records, and one of us is down for life in prison.
What does one do at fifty? Some go skydiving, some get tattoos. I almost did one, the other is never happening unless it’s an emergency. Instead, for fifty, I’m going to post fifty quotes and things I’ve learned over the last fifty years. Yes, a list really isn’t writing, but you try coming up with fifty things you’ve learned over the years without sounding like crap. I don’t know if I’ll succeed in that, but if I entertain you, or make you think, then I’ve succeeded in some way. PS. If I attribute something wrong, feel free to holler at me.
- Family is not blood. I have brothers who don’t share DNA.
- You can’t eat half a shit sandwich-Spider Robinson
- Keep passing the open windows-John Irving
- You can’t change the system by standing outside the castle and pissing in. You can only change it by being inside and pissing out-Paul Heyman
- Nothing makes a mother sleep easier than having all her children under one roof safe and sound, no matter the age.
- Punch up, not down.
- Travel. Books are fine, but nothing in a book will better you the way travel does. Meeting different people, eating different foods, even if it’s still in the same country.
- STEM is fine, but we need civics, art, gym, shop, home econ, and a class on media awareness/critical thinking for our kids, starting in grade school. Do you want your nuclear engineers to think Qanon is real?
- Art is hard. Pay for it. If you can’t, go to the library.
- Hope is the bravest rebellion-Sandra Swan
- Magic is the art of getting shit done-Sandra Swan
- I think God is a giant sided die, and we all can only see one side.
- Give your wife a desk, and then keep out of it-Robert Heinlein
- If you’re in an argument with your in-laws, and realize you’re right, apologize at once-Robert Heinlein
- Pro wrestling is best when it’s personal feuds, executed by believable wrestlers, one of whom you hate, and the other who you like.
- While being real is good in the arts, showmanship counts. Kiss sucked once the makeup came off.
- Never bet on an inside straight.
- My dad has a really big rake.
- It’s the little things in life. That beer at the end of the day. A touch from your wife as she passes you. Cards with friends.
- The supernatural is real. I’ve experienced it, and nothing else explains Old Town Road.
- Show and don’t tell. Especially when instructing kids.
- Budget the luxuries first-Robert Heinlein
- If you’re feeling down, go lift someone else up. It helps.
- Love is great, but poisonous without respect.
- Fnord.
- If you love someone, tell them now. No one is promised tomorrow.
- “You want to get Capone? I’ll tell you how to get Capone. He pulls a knife; you pull a gun. He sends two of yours to the hospital, you send two of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way!”-Sean Connery in The Untouchables
- Why hate someone for the color of their skin, when there’s so many other good reasons to despise someone? -Emo Phillips
- Prostitution and drugs should be legal and regulated.
- I’d rather have a person who came two thousand miles to get to freedom next door, then some entitled schmuck who thinks it’s his birthright.
- Solar panels should be on every roof in America.
- “The problem with people studying sociopaths is their methods. Don’t study prisoners. They’re failures. Go study Wall Street. That’s where the best ones are”-Andrew Vachss
- I’m too stupid to fail-John Hartness
- “Why are you going after him now, after three decades?” “It was not time. Now it is time.”- The Grandmaster, in Grandmaster by Warren Murphy
- Not all who wander are lost- J.R. R. Tolkien
- Honesty is my only excuse-James Hetfield, “Damage Inc”
- Girls date their daddies when they start dating. They don’t date the adult version of you, they date the dumb teen version of you.
- I don’t practice what I preach, because I’m not the man I’m preaching to-Ivan Stang
- Lemmy is God.
- A mall or downtown without a bookstore isn’t worth the powder to blow to hell.
- Hydrox are better than Oreos.
- In any emotional decision, the right one is the hardest. Always.
- Have goals.
- If you fall down, fall down on your back. If you can look up, you can get up. -Les Brown
- Chance favors the prepared mind-Stu Feiler
- Be nice to everyone. Today’s intern is tomorrow’s CEO.
- Moderation in everything, except moderation.
- Anger is an energy-John Lydon, “Rise”
- All we are waiting for is something worth waiting for-KMFDM
- “Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the Weather.”- Bill Hicks